ponderings

one day I would like to be a mother. I do not know if that day will ever come. My fear is that as long as I am living in this Country I will never be able to have children. I feel that I am being stopped from having children over somethings that I have no control over. For example I cannot control the laws of the American Goverment, that says, that a male non u.s citizen, can only get a an american green card through marriage, if his first or only wife, is American. I didn't put that law up, and I have no control over that law. I know that when I asked my husband whether or not the Green Card had anything to do with him waiting till we have children, and he said that it didn't/ But I have a feeling that it does. and if that's the case, then I will be waiting to have children for the rest of my life. On the other hand, if we leave this country I guess I would bring up the matter again. I really don't understand that if babies are supposed to be blessings than why do people go so through much trouble to prevent that blessing from coming into thier lifes?

It is paranoid to believe that most people are out to harm you in some way or another. If that is how you think than how can you make friends? Won't they end up hurting you one day intentionally or otherwise. And why should people trust you if you feel that you cannot trust them?

emotions and people

People cannot make you feel anything, you feel what you want to feel, because of the thoughts that are going through your own mind.
Change your thoughts and you change your emotions.

I have learned not to stress myself over the choices others make with thier lifes. I have learned to focus completely on  what I'm going to do, on how I am going to live my life, and not how people are going about living thier lifes, unless it directly effects me in some way or shape.

I have learned to take advantage of opportunities, because sometimes the door doesn't knock twice.

I have learned that a good haircut, and getting your eyebrows done, can make a huge difference.

hijab

I hate when people understand something to be one way and then they tell people, what they beleive to be true the truth. like there is this one muslim brotha, as he calls himself, who claims that just because he doesn't believe khaimar, means head cover, it means that it's not islamic for muslim woman to cover to hair. anyway, I don't like it when people take things or put things in the religion, based on thier opinion. It's his opinion and the opinion of his supporters that don't beleive that muslim women must cover thier hair, that doesn't make it so. Instead of trying to convince people that muslim women don't need to were hijab, cover thier hair, by telling us that some of his supporters support his conclusions, he should find an Ayah in the Quran that says just that, or what would be translated to mean that. but he couldn't do that. so he is someone who calls himself muslim but doesn't actually follow it. only follows his opinion of islam. to each thier own. but his post got on my nerves.

Today is Wendsay and I have yet to hear back from my husband, I am going to try calling him or sending him a message tomorrow morning. I got a miss call on Saturday, but when I tried calling back I just got a busy signal. I know that he's going to be extremely busy these days, so I am going to send him a message tomorrow morning. I have sent him emails, but haven't gotten any reply, anyway, i don't know I hope that he's fine. I know that nothing concerning that Gas tank, accident affected him, as that happened on the first of Nov, and he called and talked to me on the third of Nov. but perhaps he knows people which it affected. I really don't know. I hope not. Inshallah khair.

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. I finished five books the first three days i got here, and finished two books today, and am about to finish reading another book.
I started reading Harry Potter----(the last book) the day before yesterday.
So the point is, I have been doing a lot of reading.

simple thoughts

I think that a lot of people's health problems stem from the fact that they don't know how to let things go. Especially the small or even the big things that others may have done to them. I am not saying that you need to forgive everyone, for everything they have ever done, I am just saying that you need to let things go, and not hold grudges. because by holding grudges you are only harming yourself, and not the person who actually hurt you.

Sometimes people can be so stupid and sensitive at times. sometimes people are just too sensitive for thier own good, and then, they think that they are the only people in this world that get sensitive, that they are the only ones that get angry, they are the only ones that have feelings.

apperication greatfullness

The best thing in life is to be content with what you already have.
Alot of times we are to preoccupied with getting more, gaining more money, losing more weight, or gaining more weight---whichever the case, getting more, and more, that we don't focus on what we already have. we forget to appericiate all of the things that we already have.
it's human nature to want more, to feel that we need more, then we already have.  true in life we may find that we need something, and we don't have it. but that's life sometimes, no body said that life was fair, and that we'll always getting everything that we want, let alone need.
but let us be reasonable, we people, who are able to conntect to the internet, are better off, than those for example who cannot  connect to the internet,
those of us, who have our health, are in a better place than those who are not,
those of us, who are in safe countries, are in a better place than those living in unsafe countries,
the point I am trying to make is to we need to appericate all the things that we already have.

I often spend a lot of time alone, thinking, and doing more thinking. it seems that my mind is constantly bombarded with thoughts and more thoughts, and there isn't anyone that I can share those thoughts with. And when there is someone around for me to share those thoughts with, I don't know how to put those thoughts in a way that the other person will understand.

I want to discuss about things that my husband doesn't like to discuss about. I want to discuss being a mother. He says that it is not the right them.  He says that after I have worked outside  the home, and have lived my life, then it will be time for children. However I cannot work without a degree.

I am just going to tell him how I feel and that I understand where he is coming from, that I understand his worry. I have my worries to.

Step number one I need to get my degree. Step number two, I would gladly have the baby in America, if I was guaranteed that I would get proper, medical care.

However if the baby is born here, I would simply have to apply for an immigration petition, sense i left America when i was seven and a half, and haven't gone back.

Unless I go back and register as an American resident, and then come back and have the baby, then the baby would be American.

These are the two things that have been going about in my mind.